There Are No Control Freaks—Only Safety Seekers: Understanding and Calming Your Inner Need for Control

In a world quick to label behaviors as “controlling' or 'overbearing”, it’s tempting to write off those who act this way as difficult or domineering. But what if we paused, looked deeper, and asked ourselves: What if there’s more to this story? What if the so-called “control freaks” in our lives—or even within ourselves—are not seeking power, but rather safety? Emotional safety, to be precise.

The pressure to manage careers, relationships, families, and personal aspirations can feel overwhelming. The need for control often emerges as a coping mechanism—a way to manage the anxiety and uncertainty that come with juggling so many responsibilities. But the truth is, control is not about power; it’s about protection. It’s a survival strategy for the parts of us that feel vulnerable, anxious, or unsafe.

Let’s explore why the need for control arises, how it manifests, and most importantly, how to calm your inner “safety seeker”.

Why Control is a Safety Mechanism

At its core, the need for control is rooted in fear—fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of chaos, or fear of being hurt. For many people, this fear is amplified by the constant pressure to excel in every area of life. When the emotional brain perceives a threat (real or imagined), it triggers a stress response. Control becomes a way to soothe that response, to create a sense of order in a world that feels unpredictable.

Think of it this way: If you’ve ever micromanaged a project at work, overplanned a family event, or found yourself unable to delegate tasks, it’s likely because you were trying to protect yourself from the discomfort of uncertainty. The more anxious or unsafe you feel emotionally, the more you may cling to control as a way to calm those feelings.

But here’s the catch: While control may provide temporary relief, it often comes at a cost. It can strain relationships, create burnout, and perpetuate a cycle of anxiety. The key to breaking this cycle is not to judge yourself for needing control, but to understand its root cause and develop healthier strategies to feel safe.

How the Need for Control Manifests

The need for control can show up in various ways, both in your professional and personal life. Here are a few common examples:

1. Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for yourself and others, and feeling distressed when those standards aren’t met.

2. Micromanagement: Struggling to delegate tasks or trust others to handle responsibilities.

3. Overplanning:*Feeling anxious without a detailed plan or backup plan for every possible scenario.

4. Difficulty with Flexibility: Becoming frustrated or overwhelmed when things don’t go as expected.

5. People-Pleasing: Trying to control how others perceive you by constantly seeking approval or avoiding conflict.

If any of these resonate with you, it’s important to remember that these behaviors are not flaws—they’re signals. They’re your mind’s way of telling you that something feels unsafe or unresolved.

Strategies for Calming Your Inner “Safety Seeker

The goal is not to eliminate the need for control entirely, but to create a sense of emotional safety that reduces your reliance on it. Here are five strategies tailored for professional women who want to feel more grounded and less driven by the need to control:

1. Practice Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is the practice of acknowledging reality as it is, without judgment or resistance. It’s about letting go of the idea that you can—or should—control everything. For example, if a work project doesn’t go as planned, instead of spiraling into self-criticism or trying to fix every detail, take a moment to say, “This is where we are right now. I can’t change the past, but I can choose how to move forward.”

To practice radical acceptance:

- Pause and take a deep breath when you feel the urge to control.

- Remind yourself that not everything is within your power to change.

- Focus on what you *can* influence, rather than what you can’t.

2. Build a “Trust Muscle”

One of the reasons control feels so comforting is that it allows you to avoid relying on others. But learning to trust—whether it’s a colleague, a partner, or even yourself—can help you feel safer without needing to micromanage. Start small: Delegate a task at work, ask for help with a household chore, or let someone else take the lead on a project. Pay attention to the outcome. Did the world fall apart? Probably not. Over time, these small acts of trust can help you feel more secure in uncertainty.

3. Create Emotional Safety Anchors

Emotional safety anchors are practices or reminders that help you feel grounded and secure, even when life feels chaotic. These could include:

- A mantra or affirmation, such as “I am capable of handling whatever comes my way.”

- A visual cue, like a photo of a loved one or a meaningful object on your desk.

- A quick grounding technique, such as focusing on your breath or repeating a calming word silently to yourself.

The key is to have these anchors readily available so you can turn to them when you feel the urge to control.

4. Set Boundaries, Not Rules

Control often stems from a desire to prevent discomfort or conflict. But instead of trying to control external circumstances, focus on setting healthy boundaries for yourself. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed at work, instead of trying to control every aspect of a project, set a boundary around your time and energy. Communicate clearly with your team about what you can and cannot take on. Boundaries create a sense of safety by protecting your emotional well-being, without requiring you to manage others’ behavior.

5. Reframe Mistakes as Opportunities

For many people, the fear of making mistakes can fuel the need for control. But mistakes are not failures—they’re opportunities to learn and grow. When you find yourself obsessing over getting everything “right,” try reframing your perspective. Ask yourself:

- What’s the worst that could happen if this doesn’t go perfectly?

- What can I learn from this situation?

- How can I use this experience to improve in the future?

By shifting your focus from perfection to progress, you can reduce the anxiety that drives the need for control.

The Bigger Picture: Embracing Imperfection

Wanting control makes sense. It’s how we try to create safety when life feels uncertain or unpredictable. But real safety doesn’t come from managing every last detail—it comes from knowing, deep down, that you can handle whatever comes your way. And you can. You’ve already proven it, time and time again. The challenge now is learning to trust yourself the same way you trust your ability to push through and handle life’s hard moments.

There’s no such thing as a control freak—only someone searching for safety. When you start to see your need for control for what it really is—an attempt to calm the anxious parts of you—you can meet yourself with more compassion. You don’t have to have it all figured out to be successful, to be loved, or to be worthy. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is loosen your grip, take a breath, and trust that you’ll be okay.

The next time you feel that urge to control, pause. Ask yourself: What am I really afraid of? What part of me feels unsafe right now? Instead of pushing that fear away, offer kindness to the part of you that’s struggling. Then remind yourself: I am capable. I am resilient. I am enough. And I am safe, even when life feels unpredictable.

When you start to see control as a signal instead of a flaw, everything shifts. It becomes an invitation—to slow down, to listen to yourself, to offer the reassurance you actually need. And when you do that, you’ll find something even better than control: a deeper sense of trust, freedom, and peace.